apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
