Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
