she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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