This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
