You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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