Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
