I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
