fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
