I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
