Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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