I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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