so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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