chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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