You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
