remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize