her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My dick has a subreddit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
