just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
