You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Randomize
