Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
