is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
