I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
