this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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