my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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