Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
