I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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