I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
