I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I pour the whiskey from now on
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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