just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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