I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
