Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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