if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
