There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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