She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
