i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
