I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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