I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
