He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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