I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My vagina is officially offended.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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