I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
