its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
