DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
