How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
