I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The feeling are messing with the penis
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
