I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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