my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
