I just made out with a guy for $7.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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