and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
