I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
