TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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