Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
