I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This is classic penis vs brain.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
