...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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