The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
